Tuesday, 19 March 2013

The Smallest Break

This title has a double meaning.
Possibly a triple one.

The last few weeks have been hard on the brain.
Possibly the months too.
But trying to ignore my own sadness caused more problems.
Eventually I seemed to break. 
I broke down and spilled out.
Tears most days. No reasons and un realised feelings.

I know this is rather personal.
For a post on my public blog, for all to see.
But it might help the followers make sense of things.
Perhaps more than I can. 

The positive side of the break. Is that when I hit a bottom.
I have enough of it.
I am not over it.
But now I can make progress and take steps to get out of my slump.

Dust off the camera.
It was done.
Almost by accident.
As a rule, I will always carry my camera with me when the sun doth shine. 
So I did. Last saturday. Wake up to a bright burning sky.
My camera in my bag, I went to work. To remember that my Baker boss would be running one of his Easter Baking courses in the afternoon.
I offered my services as snapper. And snap away I did.
Sharing my camera love with my colleague.
We captured the joy of people on a light afternoon.
Baking breads and sweet things. With smiles on their faces.

The small break that I had planned came a few hours later.
Waking up with the sun once more. A small bag already packed with film and gifts of yeast and flour.
I made my way again to 7th Rise.
A return. Which I cannot really believe has taken me so long.
Just short of a year.
I remembered the way.
It was familiar.
It was fresh. 

I was glad to see the face of Thom.
And to meet some new ones too.
We had a nice little day.
Girly flowers. Manly shooting.
It was the tiniest escape, but the few hours there, within the cottage in the woods, was the exact thing that I needed.

I was, for the first time in a long time. Not dwelling on miseries.
I am not sure what it is. About that place. About the different people. About Thom. Or even about myself, when I am taken away from my routine.
But I feel enlightened. Or at least a little more relaxed.

A concious decission has been made. To visit the cottage more often.
To be away from my supossed stresses.

I have some direction.
And this place seems to help me see the way.

There are alot of things I need to do.
And saving my money is the priority.
Sadly. Without the pennies.
I cannot start doing what I want.

But I will.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

I've gone Crazy.

I'm crazy for feeling so lonely

I'm crazy,
Crazy for feeling so blue

I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new

Why do I let myself worry?

Wondering what in the world did I do?

Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you

I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you

Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you

I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.
-Crazy, The Kills


There has been a lapse in productivity.
My time spent mostly at work.
Then being too tired for anything else on days off.
Having no money.

These things are all just silly excuses.

I know that motivation is all about perceiving certain things in a certain way.
Glass half full.
Until today it has very much just been empty.
For a while now I have been a sad one.
For reasons that I can not entirely put my finger on. So cannot share to you for now.
And for more reasons unknown, I woke up this morning with an idea in my head.
To get some wind under my withered wings.
Stop using currency as a barrier to prevent me doing the things that I love.
To stop me progressing. 

Yes I am working alot. Yes I am earning my fair share. And yes most of that money may be going to the necessities of living.
But I can use some pennies, slowly, to build up what I need.
Create a space in my life for my Photos.
I may not be able to get all the things done all at once.
But there are things I can be getting on with.
Without money, and without much energy. 

I will need to be patient.
It seems that the trait that I have the least, is always the reoccurring factor for these ventures and plans. 
Slowly. Surely.
Things will take shape.

I am blogging again.
And surely that is a start.
To getting back my old self. 

Sunday, 10 March 2013


He eats more than me.

We moved in.
We had no Internet.
Too much stress.

The sky in the evening was beautiful.
It has not been so much lately.
All grey and dank.


We get each other little gifts.

There is lots of tea.
And checkered wood.

We had a little Christmas.
Watching birds.

Things keep changing.
I can't keep up.

Before I lived with Man.

Checking, looking for unseen photographs.
These have been seen. But not on here.

Back in October. 2012.
Mary mare came to visit.
I found these snaps.
They seem nice to share.

We went for a walk along the beach.
A cliff on our left side.
Little foods. Colours. Rain.

I remember that it was lovely to see Mary.
A visit from home.
Before the move in.
Before the big change.

I was stressed.
And maybe I still am.
But it was a welcome break.
Before more stress.


Again, I am not blogging.

I have things to say. But nothing to show.

No new prints have been printed.

It is a sad and lonely time.

I'm hoping that when the sun comes, it will be better.

Maybe i'll just run away again.