Last night I was thinking how I have just let myself get into this rut that I am not stuck in. It's a shame, that I have been so weak. Maybe selfish. Time to myself, but time constantly wanting company. I am over the initial shock of everything that has happened lately. Now all that is left is to sort myself out. Lounging around, doing nothing for a week helps, but only for so long.
Unproductivity is productive, but only for a short while.
This morning, I made another To-do list. It's a big one. It's a detailed one. It's the one that will help me get back on track. On it there are serious and quite urgent tasks. Get a job, for one. Listed inbetween, to remind myself that i'm allowed to have fun, are insignificant things. Take photos, get films developed. Etc.
Then the long term. Plans for the knitting. I have some tests done. It's exciting to make things. I forget that feeling, but I love it so much. Achievement. Surprising yourself. It's a warming feeling.
Moodboards for designs will be made. Pages and books of designs, tests, successes and failures will be compiled. Research will be done. I'm going back to the structure that I have known all my life. The one of school. This time however, I am teaching myself. My own education. My own questions. My own mistakes. My own success.
The downer to all these plans is ofcourse money. I need some. For everything. To get some, I am selling things on Ebay. Things I got given, bought and taking cuts for selling things that do not belong to me. It's a start.
With any money I make. Job or no Job. I will be using it to inspire myself. Drown myself in balls of wool. A strange image, I agree, but a lovely one to me. Pretty colours, soft texture, intricate patterns.
Again. My excitement.
I know I will be ok now. I feel calmer, more organised. A teeny tiny bit of direction.
The shed will be finished and warm by the end of the week. I will be able to sit in there with a warm drink, under my fairy lights. Be it rain or shine. Even frost and snow. The shed will be my home.